Postpartum Week 4

This week marks the 4th week of Ansel's life. Crazy. It's been both fast and slow, tiring and exciting, and filled with tears and laughter. The weeks might go fast, but the days that I can't figure out what is wrong go slow. I am tired from not sleeping more than 3 hours at a time, but excited about my precious little child growing and being part of my family. I've shed tears of frustration, and enjoyed laughter from those uncontrollable baby happenings like pee shooting across the room and poop exploding out the sides of the diaper. Oh, life with a new baby.

I've always been very independent, and liked to set my own schedule and go where I please, when I please. So, adjustment is interesting. I have to feed Ansel every three hours, so it ties me down, for lack of a better way to describe it. Not that I mind, but it definitely makes me rethink everything. If I feed/burp/change him from 9 am-10am, I have just two hours to leave the house with him and get back in time for the next feeding. (I'm not at the point yet where I feel comfortable breastfeeding out) Two hours is not that long! If my drive time is 10-15 minutes each way, that really only leaves me with an hour and a half to accomplish things. Whew! Not much time! That's been something to get used to. Today I went in to school so some of the teachers and students could meet Ansel, and I was 15 minutes late getting back to feed him, and let me tell you, he let me know.

Last week I felt like Ansel was getting better at feeding, and we could be done with the feeding routine in 30-40 minutes. He's started feeding longer this week though, and it's closer to 50 minutes every time. That means I am breastfeeding for 7 hours a day. Geez!

Breastfeeding. I've blogged before about how I like the Babywise philosophy for several reasons, so now I'm just working my way through the practical side of it. In trying to establish a schedule, they recommend 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 hours between feedings. I think most babies do this anyways. Ansel eats about every three hours through the morning and afternoon: 6 am, 9 am, 12 pm, 3 pm. Then he naps from 1 1/2 to 2 hours between feedings, after he has some wake-time with mommy. Then in the evening, sometimes he eats in 2 1/2 hour increments. I found that if it is just 2 hours, he doesn't seem to eat well. So the evening feedings are something like: 5:30 or 6 pm, 8 or 8:30 pm, and 10:30 or 11 pm. I put him in the crib to sleep after the 8 ish feeding. After the 11 feeding, he usually will sleep until 2 or 3 am. (Thank goodness! Three hours of sleep for me!) Then the day begins again.

As the weeks go on, I hope that the early AM feeding starts to drop. It would be really great if in a couple of weeks, he can sleep 11-6. That would just be amazing. But I think we still have some time to go on that one.... Last night though, he slept 11:30-5:45.

Other behaviors I have noticed: He is usually pretty alert after his morning feedings for a short time, and then goes back to nap easily. Usually this is the same in the afternoon. In the evening, however, he is more fussy, and sometimes doesn't even seem to sleep between when he eats. We try holding him, putting him in the bouncer or swing, and sometimes this helps, and sometimes it doesn't. Evening just must be his fussy time. This is difficult though, because it is still hard for me to know when he cries if he is really hungry, or just fussy or gassy, etc. And I can't hold him all the time! As much as I love him, I have the rest of the house and myself to take care of. He is precious, and I love our snuggle times, but I have to be able to get other things done. Maybe this sounds harsh. I know that he is still so little, and I do try to hold him and snuggle as much as I can. It's just I can't hold him all the time. But it is hard when he cries, because of course I don't want him to cry, but I know I have done everything I can to help it: just fed, clean diaper, burped, swaddled, etc. Emotionally this part is very difficult for me, because I don't like hearing him cry.

Then I will think that we are getting into a rhythm: last week he was eating 10 minutes on each breast. The last few days though, it took him 20 minutes to finish sometimes. Then he would only take 5 minutes on the other side! Ugh! Yesterday he seemed disinterested at a few feedings, and though I tried and tried to keep him going, he didn't eat very good. Then he was hungry early, and fussy, and the schedule is whacked again. Obviously I had to adapt a little in there. The bottom line is that I want what is best for him: full feedings to get the hindmilk, and then the time between feedings is better too. I keep telling myself that, and keep working towards full feedings. It's hard though, and I hope that we hit our breastfeeding stride soon. I keep telling myself that it is worth it, and it is so much better for Ansel. If I can just keep it up, I think we will get the hang of it. Practice makes perfect, right?

Ansel is a very grunt-y baby. He grunts as he goes to sleep, during his "active sleep" times, and during nursing times. It is kinda funny, and I guess it is just his was of processing things. He is starting to be more alert during wake times. He is tracking better with his eyes, looking towards the  mobile on the swing and toward the person talking to him. He is doing great during tummy time (though he doesn't like it) by holding his head up off the floor and turning it to the right side. He really favors the left side and almost always leans or turns his head to that side.

Another thing that I am dealing with is burping. I haven't been able to find a pattern with his burping, and maybe there just isn't one. Sometimes he will spit up a larger amount (once or twice a day), and other times it will be just a belch or small dribble out of his mouth. Since I haven't been able to find that "magic number" of time that he needs to burp, or position (over the shoulder, over the arm, over the lap), I feel like I am washing a lot of sheets, clothes, and changing table pads. But I've decided to just accept it. I try to burp him for five minutes or so, and just deal with it if he has a big burp 30 minutes later....

Emotionally, I feel like I am doing pretty good. Adjusting to life with baby is trying at times, but Justin, Ansel, and I are working through it together. I think what is bugging me still is the birth and how I feel about having kids again. Birth was really tough, and I don't think I'm being a sissy about it. I am month out, and sometimes I think I could have more kids, and other times I say no-way-in-H-E-double-hockey-sticks I am ever doing that again. But then I feel bad for thinking that. I mean, there are so many people out there who can't have kids, who have tried and tried and tried, and I stand back and choose not to do it again. It seems like I'm wasting my fertility or something. So then I feel guilty for being so frustrated over the birth. I think part of it is that I prepared so much for the birth, I really felt confident, and it was like I got all the worst case scenarios: back labor, 24 hours long, at night, 2 1/2 hours of pushing. Like all the classes, practice, relaxation, reading, ect was just a waste of time when labor and birth sucked anyways. So then I tell myself that it was always going to be tough, but I made it through. It still hasn't changed my mind about wanting to go through it again though.

I think I am rambling now and that last paragraph was a little too stream-of-consciousness for me. But working through my feelings post-labor and birth is like that. We always did want to foster to adopt, and right now that seems like a really good option. People who know me know I'm not a baby person, so maybe fostering starting at the toddler age would be a good fit for me. Yet I still feel guilty like that's somehow taking the easy way out. But I know there are so many kids in the foster system that need love too. See how conflicted I am? Ugh. One day it will all sort out. I am just going to concentrate on being the best mom for Ansel that I can right now. It's not like I have to plan the rest of my life right now.

I'm just so Type-A. I want to plan, to control. Sigh. I need to just trust God and let him lead through this stage first.

Enough of my frustrations for now!